Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I deserve happiness and success

How long does it take to start loving yourself again? I mean, I've been neglecting and criticizing myself for so long now that it will probably be a while before I can appreciate and cherish me for who I am again. I am trying hard to not let the inner critics come back and put me down and destroy the efforts I have been making toward living a better and fuller, but most importantly happier and more successful life. I know deep inside that I deserve to be happy and successful. Ok, I haven't believed that for a long while. And it didn't occurred to me that I am really sabotaging myself because I didn't believe that I deserve to be happy and successful. 

Since middle school I've always lived in the shadow of other people. I was always left behind, didn't fit in any group. I didn't have many friends, I wasn't popular or social. It was most of the time just me and myself. And I guess I just figured I wasn't any good for others. And started to hate myself for that. Ok, maybe it was partly my fault that I didn't get together with others or made more effort to fit in. I just didn't know how or didn't want to make that effort. Well, it's ok. That was back then. And now I'm old enough to know better. I need to stop making excuses and I need to stop reliving the past. It's over. It's done. It can't be changed. And I just have to see that. I'm good enough for this world. I deserve to do the things I want to do. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be successful. I deserve all the beautiful things that I dream about. 

It's kinda funny. I guess I've been having this feeling of being different all this time. And maybe I really am different. I've just been so damn scared to show it. I've always been hiding. Never did I share my opinions, because most of the time they were different from the rest. And I didn't have the guts to say the out loud. That needs to stop now. I know I'm gonna do great things. I know I'm gonna go a long way. I know I'm gonna shine. I know I'm gonna find my passion some day and live the life I've always known I deserve. It's all been in my dreams until now. And now it needs to become reality. 

I need to work on myself even more. I need to work on my inside. And really start believing that I deserve all those great things I dream about. I deserve happiness. I deserve success. I've written these sentences so many times in the past few days that I think I'm starting to believe it a little bit more each day. With each written sentence. And that's good. Then inner work on yourself is whet matters the most. Learning to listen to yourself and your body. It will always tell you what you want and what you don't want, what makes you feel good and what makes you frustrated and depressed. Once you stop listening to that inner voice, you begin with the sabotage. And in my case this sabotage is food, overeating, overeating and again overeating. 

I know that there's a long way before I really will be able to say I did it. But it's a start and that must mean something, too. 

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