who am i

i am looking for myself trying to find the person i am,

trying to fix the damage i've done. 

i do not have enough patience. i want results and i want it now. 

it's a long road to success and happiness. it's tough. 

lots of darkness and loneliness. lots of doubts and not much hope. 

giving up is always an option. but the challenge it to persevere. 

you feel the sparks of energy inside. you know that something's there. 

the fire of emotions is about to start. let it out. cry. laugh. scream. 

don't keep everything inside no more. it will eat you up. 

i will destroy the person that you are. 

fix you, coldplay - love the song

I deserve happiness and success

How long does it take to start loving yourself again? I mean, I've been neglecting and criticizing myself for so long now that it will probably be a while before I can appreciate and cherish me for who I am again. I am trying hard to not let the inner critics come back and put me down and destroy the efforts I have been making toward living a better and fuller, but most importantly happier and more successful life. I know deep inside that I deserve to be happy and successful. Ok, I haven't believed that for a long while. And it didn't occurred to me that I am really sabotaging myself because I didn't believe that I deserve to be happy and successful. 

Since middle school I've always lived in the shadow of other people. I was always left behind, didn't fit in any group. I didn't have many friends, I wasn't popular or social. It was most of the time just me and myself. And I guess I just figured I wasn't any good for others. And started to hate myself for that. Ok, maybe it was partly my fault that I didn't get together with others or made more effort to fit in. I just didn't know how or didn't want to make that effort. Well, it's ok. That was back then. And now I'm old enough to know better. I need to stop making excuses and I need to stop reliving the past. It's over. It's done. It can't be changed. And I just have to see that. I'm good enough for this world. I deserve to do the things I want to do. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be successful. I deserve all the beautiful things that I dream about. 

It's kinda funny. I guess I've been having this feeling of being different all this time. And maybe I really am different. I've just been so damn scared to show it. I've always been hiding. Never did I share my opinions, because most of the time they were different from the rest. And I didn't have the guts to say the out loud. That needs to stop now. I know I'm gonna do great things. I know I'm gonna go a long way. I know I'm gonna shine. I know I'm gonna find my passion some day and live the life I've always known I deserve. It's all been in my dreams until now. And now it needs to become reality. 

I need to work on myself even more. I need to work on my inside. And really start believing that I deserve all those great things I dream about. I deserve happiness. I deserve success. I've written these sentences so many times in the past few days that I think I'm starting to believe it a little bit more each day. With each written sentence. And that's good. Then inner work on yourself is whet matters the most. Learning to listen to yourself and your body. It will always tell you what you want and what you don't want, what makes you feel good and what makes you frustrated and depressed. Once you stop listening to that inner voice, you begin with the sabotage. And in my case this sabotage is food, overeating, overeating and again overeating. 

I know that there's a long way before I really will be able to say I did it. But it's a start and that must mean something, too. 

The day after

Ok, yesterday didn't turn out the way I hoped, but today is a new day and I'm gonna try to do the best I can to make it a good one. I just realized that this is not the life I want to have and live. I know deep inside that I deserve to be happy, fit and lean. But there's still something holding me back and now I'm trying to figure out what that thing is. After doing an exercise at the Fit Shack, it made it clear for me that my self-esteem is really really low. Crap. Well, it wasn't such a shocker, since I knew all along that I'm not good at standing up for myself, saying no, speaking my mind etc. I rather just do what people tell me to do or I go away if there is an argument about to start.

I know that's wrong and I should just step up and say what bothers me. Sometimes I just want to shout, scream, run away and leave this life behind. I can't take it anymore. I feel like a caged bird, sometimes I can't breath, because I feel so stuck inside this life which is making me sick to my stomach. I have this job that is numbing me, I have very hard time getting up in the morning and getting ready to go to work, because I know it's gonna be the same day again - I'll be sitting at a desk, doing something I see no purpose in doing. 

And another day passed by at the job I hate. Well, it was expected. And I'm gonna have the same day tomorrow. Lucky me. I'm waiting for some inspiration. For a sign. For something to tell me that I really need to change this life. I hope I will find that something sooner rather than later. 

Hey, 

this is my first blog ever. I've thought about whether or not I should start writing a blog for a while now. And since I really need to make some changes in my life, I decided to start a blog and see if I can get some new perspective on my life this way.

I've read a lot about how writing helps you deal with your life, solve problems, get you thinking about what you really want and need. And I've had my share of writing in diaries about my life, about my problems, about the happy and unhappy times etc. And I've done it for a while, but then I just stopped. Life and problems were either too hard that I just didn't have the energy or desire to write about them, or things got back to normal and again, I thought it wouldn't make any sense to write about something that is completely normal and ordinary. So I would just stop. And now when I look back and think about it, I just feel sorry for not being more consistent and finish what I've started. But I obviously seem to have a problem with sticking to any kind of a project for a long time or until finished successfully. I always give up too fast. 

I've been trying to lose weight, work on my self-esteem, find out who I am and who I want to be for so many times that I don't even count them anymore. Because I know that I won't pull it through. Yet another time. And I get more frustrated, depressed, sad, unhappy which leads to eating more food in general, not just junk, I tend to overeat on all kind of food, the healthy versions as well as the unhealthy ones. It just kills me that I can't get it together and start living the life I know deep inside I deserve. I keep punishing myself and I don't know for what. I keep sabotaging myself and I don't know why. What am I so afraid of? 

I don't have any answers to the above questions. And that's the reason, or one of the reasons, why I started this new project - writing a blog. And tomorrow I'm gonna start with The 31 Days of Loving Yourself Thin program at the Fit Shack (http://www.thefitshack.com/2007/10/01/31-days-of-loving-yourself-thin/). I will do everything in my power to follow the program and see what happens. With hard work and dedication I know I can do it. I just have to get over myself and stop making excuses already. 

So, tomorrow's a new day...